Courtroom Quotations

The following are just a few quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law.

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• Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?”
• Witness: “July 15th.”
• Lawyer: “What year?”
• Witness: “Every year.”

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• Lawyer: “What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?”
• Witness: “He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?'”
• Lawyer: “And why did that upset you?”
• Witness: “My name is Susan.”

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• Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
• Witness: “No.”
• Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
• Witness: “No.”
• Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
• Witness: “No.”
• Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
• Witness: “No.”
• Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
• Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
• Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
• Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

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• Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–“
• Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”

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• Lawyer: “And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?”
• Witness: “Oral.”
• Lawyer: “How old are you?”
• Witness: “Oral.”

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• Lawyer: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
• Witness: “All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.”

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